Have tissues handy.....

Make sure to watch both videos. For everyone that has checked on me the past couple of days thank you. Just please say a special prayer for Blake and I-we need some strength. As if deployment weren't enough other issues have surfaced. Thank you and Merry Christmas!

The Holidays are Here..........

And I wish I could go to bed and sleep through them. Its just not the same without Blake here. He is going to miss Elijah's first Christmas, and even though Elijah won't remember, the first Christmas is always special. Thanksgiving is my FAVORITE holiday. I have so much to be thankful for. I was sitting here thinking today that 8 years ago I was in the hospital with Kale and mom and Stacy brought some Thanksgiving dinner to us. I look at where he is now.....wow blessed and thankful. He has beaten the odds in the past and continues to every day. After Blake left I got to mom's house and he stood up and gave me a hug. Actually the first time he has given a big squeeze hug when he wasn't sick-I'm so thankful for that. He knew just what mommy needed. I am thankful that Elijah is healthy. I never take his health for granted. True there are days, alot here lately, where I want to ring his neck for getting into stuff. I stop myself and say out loud "Thank you God for giving me a child who can get into stuff at such a young age". I am thankful I have my boys, I don't know how I would have made it this far in the deployment without him.

I am thankful for Blake. True, he works my nerves, but in his defense he is a man!! Or at least he was last time I checked ;) I sit back and read old emails of fights we had and think of the breaking up and all that crap when we were dating. There is no doubt in my mind that it was in God's plan all along for us to be together. Just in the past month we have gone from seriously thinking we weren't going to make it, to really connecting. Honestly, I never knew I could connect so deeply with someone. I am so thankful for that!! I am thankful that he and all the guys with him are safe!! Even though I don't know most of them in person, I feel that I know them because of the stories Blake has told me. I am so proud to be his wife! I am so proud of where our family is and where it is going!

I am thankful for my family! Although, living close again has made me realize I LOVE and crave my distance from them, I am still very thankful for them. For the most part they are ok people haha I am thankful that I am a stay at home mom, being able to watch my kids grow and develop. I know Elijah will have to go to daycare soon, because he is starting to get major separation anxiety-and quite frankly mommy needs a break!!! I am thankful that the new housing people on post are at least considering bumping us to the top of the list-now if we can only get a house!! I know I am very blessed in life. True I may not be the size I want to be, have the bank account I would like, but all in all I have a great life!

Last but not least I couldn't have made it this far without my friends. I have the bestest friends in the world! I am not going to name names, but 3 call me at least 4 times a week and listen to me bitch and complain!! Thats my adult conversation for the week-no really it is. This Holiday season is going to be a rough one for me, so IF I see you and don't chime out a Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays, please take no offense at it. I am doing my best to get into the Holiday spirit, I have to for my boys. Now when you are in the kitchen cooking and your spouse keeps saying is it ready yet or gets in your way please don't yell at him/her. Remember how blessed you are that he/she is there next to you to irritate you. I chose life as a military wife, but that doesn't make it any easier. I still miss Blake, still can't sleep without panic attacks or nightmares waking me up, BUT I put one foot in front of the other and try. So please let that be enough. Now that I am crying like a little baby I will say this-Happy Thanksgiving!! Be thankful for what you have and that we live in a free country. Say an extra prayer for all of the men and women in uniform, their families really do appreciate it.

Blake if you read this....I love you and I miss you!! I will see you in a few months. Stay safe!! 143

Since its been a month.....

I decided to grace everyone with my pressence. Before you ask, yes you should feel honored. Nothing has happened really. The boys and I had some Christmas pics taken on Sunday and I look like a bloated red skittle!!! WTF?!?! I am flippin HUGE!!!!!!! Blake is so gonna think I ate his wife, instead of being his wife. To my shock, we did get some good pictures. The boys finally calmed down and stopped screaming long enough to get some good shots. Deployment has posed its own set of issues. Getting adjusted to married life is hard enough, let alone doing it while separated by 9 thousand miles. Slowly but surely we are working through things and we will be ok(crossing fingers). I ordered us the book called The Love Dare. Its the book that Fireproof is based on, so we are both going to read it and journal and see what happens.

In the mean time I am going to keep hanging in there. Everyone is trying to help and pull strings to get me back to Ft Sill. I hope it all works and fast!! Moving back to Arkansas has been one of my biggest regrets ever. Live and learn-right?!?! The school here sucks big ones. I mean I knew it wouldn't be what we had in Lawton, but I was at least expecting Harrisburg standards.........haha yeah right. So far they have managed to lose him and break his stroller all in the same week. Yes that is right, break his 5 thousand dollar stroller I worked 5 years to get. IF I can find someone from the company to come fix it, you can best bet this woman won't be paying the bill. They broke it, they will fit it.

Kale is doing good. Not really doing anything new, but not going backwards so that is good. We are hitting the sign language hard and heavy to see if he will start using it. He lost his first tooth in Sept and the permanent one still hasn't come in yet. Elijah is now pulling up and has his 2 front bottom teeth. His 2 front top teeth are poking through so they will be completley in before long-I hope. Thats right RK, you are being shown up by a 9 month old!!

Blake is now SGT!!!! He got promoted on Nov 1 and I am so proud of him. He worked hard and it has paid off. Now that he is SGT there is even less time for us to communicate, but that is the price you pay. I was always raised with the thinking of family first no matter what. Now that I married into the military, its a whole new way of thinking. The Army comes first now, especially during deployment and honestly its a swift kick in the ego. I'm like who does this Army bitch think she is?? So my new name is Mistress Lindsey. Sounds like a stripper name and extra money doesn't hurt :)

Other than that nothing much has been going on. Just trying to keep busy so time flies. Just taking everything one day at a time and trying to handle everything myself. Last thing I want to do is worry Blake with things. Crap with us is strained enough without me adding every day worries to it. Just in a nasty funk again. My blood work is still funky and my thyroid is still not regulated. Dr says rest more and don't stress!! What's that?? Is she serious?? Well I am going to bed now........doctor's orders. Well it is after midnight. 143

Blah blah blah

Its me again. Its been almost a month so I thought I would bless everyone with a new blog. Seriously I don't know how Stacy does it. She tells me of all these sewing adventures, then Bunko, soccer, and still has time to blog-and she has a job.......So help a sista out!! Share your secret!! Hell I am doing good if I get to take a shower without rushing........I just don't know how yall do it. So whats new here. Kale had school pictures made and we got them back the other day. I must say he got his Granny's photogenic quality-which is none. They both either have their eyes closed, look drunk, or look high. Oh well. He is doing good in school and we-meaning I- am hitting the sign language hard and heavy. They said a couple weeks ago he said more and eat, but he hasn't done it for me. He is of course teaching Elijah how to get into EVERYTHING!!!! Elijah is doing well. He isn't crawling yet he does the Army crawl as we call it. He can scoot fast though. He is jabbering with bububababubu and mamamamamama and dadadadadada. He also started dancing the other day which is so funny. Between the fights over toys and sippy cups they keep me pretty busy. I actually had the first session of me time since Blake has been gone, well other than going out to birthday dinner but I caught hell over that so that doesn't count. My bff Tracy had a passion party and after that some of us girls went out for drinks and dancing. It was a much needed break!! So, I'm good for at least 3 more months.

Blake is doing well. He got his promotable status which means he will be SGT soon and I am so proud of him. His hard work is finally starting to pay off. He reupped for 6 more years, so we will be at Ft Sill at least a year after he gets back. After that who knows, we may stay and we may go. We are both just ready for deployment to be over with, only about 9 more months!!!! I enjoy trying to find fun things to send over there. I have some Halloween goodie bags that I will be sending this week and then I will start thinking about Christmas goodie bags. I know I know its early, but there are alot of guys so I gotta get started. This semester of school is going so much better than last semester-thank God!!

This weekend has been one of pure, downright boredom. I sit and wonder where everyone that said, come back to Arkansas so we can spend time with you and the boys suddenly went. Um hello, we are here and everyone disappears. Lesson learned! Next deployment I will stay put-screw this! As soon as a house opens up on post, and hopefully thats soon, we will head back to Okie.....until then I will just bide my time here in Hillbillyville. I guess that is about all that has gone on with us. I know its so exciting!!! haha Oh there was excitement this month. On Oct 3rd a brand new, shiny, pink Dell laptop was delivered to my door-complete with matching bag and mouse-courtesy of my husband. Surprise for me!! I mean he doesn't know how to send flowers but he sure knows how to pick out a laptop-not too shabby!! So, of course, he has major brownie points-hell he has a whole pan of brownies. Well I guess I will leave you with something I stole from a friends page, or as they say in the Army I acquired it :) Blake we love you and miss you!! Hurry home!! 143

I'm not the perfect Army wife. The deployments sometimes get to me and there are times where nothing seems to go right when he is gone. I think about how wonderful it would be to have my soldier home all of the time. There are times when he is home I push him away so it doesn't hurt so bad when he leaves again. At night I cry cause I can no longer handle trying to stay strong. There are times where I feel like walking away from this life I built, but when I stop and think about it I remember just how much I love my man and I am proud to be an army wife.

Trace Adkins Is In The House

So today was the usual, dull day around here. Took Kale to school, came back home, went to the post office, picked Kale up, and then home again. Kale got scratched at school today by another little boy. It's not too bad, I mean no blood or anything, I'm just glad Kale didn't grab a handful of hair when the kid scratched him. I am sure he thought about it and probably even tried it. When I picked him up the teacher was showing me the scratch and explaining what had happened and I asked Kale if he was ok....he looked up at me as if saying mom you should have seen the other guy haha Kale's a tough cookie I am sure he will be fine, but just to be sure I put some triple antibiotic cream on it after his bath. Elijah is cutting his first tooth. Last Thursday morning he was chewing on granny's finger and she felt it. Now you can see it and its growing fast!! He hasn't been fussy or anything with it(bangin on wood) so hopefully it will come in ok. He is cooing and I am thinking he will be talking before long. I have him saying mmmmm after he takes a bite of food and he is screeching at the top of his lungs. Not crawling just scooting on his belly but is trying to pull up. Maybe he thinks crawling is a waste of time and wants to grow straight to walking-who knows.

To explain the headline for today's post. I chatted online with Blake for a bit today. I knew he was excited about something because he was more talky than normal. When I asked him what was up he said I met Trace Adkins today. My first thought was BITCH. Then I was like huh. He said Trace had come to sing for them and then sat around and chatted, took pictures, and signed autographs for them. He told them that he watched him on Glenn Beck a couple months back, of course that credit goes to me cause I made him watch it cause I'm addicted to that show. Anyways he sounded up beat and it was refreshing to hear him excited about something. It also warmed my heart that Trace Adkins would take time to sit and relax with the guys before leaving........I think that meant more to them than anything. Other than that Blake is doing good. He goes to the board next week to see if he can get promoted so everyone say an extra prayer for us. He has been studying and working his butt off, he really deserves it. He got a good conduct medal a couple of weeks ago, BUT just told me about it yesterday cause as he says its no big deal. To which I replied a medal is a medal in my book. Hopefully he won't get too flustered at boards, it can be intimidating, and will be passed up to SGT. I mean I was reading the study guide for this crap and there is even a certain way you have to enter the room!!! You have to know alot of crap and no cheat sheets allowed. Anyhow that is about all that is going on around here.......

Brooks will be in town the end of this week, bu t will be golfing, and then I will be up here while he is at mom and dad's so I prolly won't get to see him. I think that sucks big time cause Elijah hasn't even gotten to meet him yet and I really want him to wear his bibs Brooks and Supy got him so he can see how cute he looks in them.....oh well. Maybe next time huh. Well I am going to do some studying then off to bed. 143

First Visit From The Tooth Fairy

So yesterday Kale went to the dentist for a check up. While the chick was cleaning his teeth she mentioned how loose one was and how the dentist may want to pull it cause it was hanging there. Well about that time she started polishing that tooth and out it popped. Kale screamed, blood gushed, and a tooth went flying.....after I realized he was fine I thought wow she prolly just saved me a hundred bucks by the dentist not having to pull it.....bad mommy. So other than that his teeth are healthy and his other front tooth is loose and will be next. How that kid has healthy teeth I will never know, nor will I complain about it. I can barely brush his teeth, let alone for the 2 minutes they recommend. So, even though we waited 2 1/2 hours to get called back Kale did well. There were kids kicking, screaming, yelling, crying, and Kale looked at them like whats the big deal. For some reason he fights for me to brush his teeth, but when we go to the dentist he just lays there and opens his mouth, seriously he does. I think he fights me to make my life hard :) The tooth fairy; being the brilliant, awesome, beautiful, person she is left him three dollars :)

Elijah is doing good and finally gaining weight. He took a bath the other night with Ruby Kate, which I am sure scarred him for life hehe They look like Ebony and Ivory, poor white kid. After the bath he and RK fought over the passy and dug through the diaper bag.....(I will get pictures of all this posted soon but my computer is being stupid!)

Things with Blake and I are going ok. Hopefully the adjustment period is about to be over with. I tell you I am going to ask for a raise!!! Being a wife is hard stuff!!! And me biting my tongue is even harder!!! I just keep telling myself one day at a time and that I am where God wants me to be. Blake knows he is going to re-up but doesn't know if he wants to stay at Ft Sill or go to Ft Sam Houston(San Antonio, TX). For selfish reasons I would like to stay at Sill. I finally have friends there, the schools are awesome, and it would be easier setting up shop there. BUT Ft Sam Houston is a medic's dream post. I so want him to get it, but it is hard to get assigned there. So who knows where we will end up.....I don't care as long as we are all together. This week will hold more of the same.....school, grocery shopping, and playing with the boys. Friday is Kale's birthday!!! I can't believe he will be 8!!! It doesn't seem possible!!! His dad, stepmother, and sister are going to come see him and we are going to party!!!! So, that should be fun, right?!?! I guess that is about all.....not much to blog about really. Maybe one day I will be able to blog about the end of the deployment....ooohhhh I can't wait!!! I'm off to cook some dinner and then have bath time for the boys. Peace out!!! 143

Catch Up!

Well since it has been 20 forevers since I wrote a blog I thought I would make an appearance. Nothing has been going on around here. Last week was hell on wheels and this week is shaping up to be the same way. I am going stir crazy in hickville, but what can ya do. Blake is doing ok and hopefully will be home for R&R in a couple months. We desperately need the R&R to get here. Seems we will have a couple good days and the a bad two weeks and then repeat the process all over again. I am about to the end of my rope-I don't know what to do. Every time I try venting I hear well cut him some slack he is stressed out. Yes, he is and I understand that, but in my own defense I am a little on the stressed side. Its starting to seriously mess with my mind, body, and soul. The stupid bitch Aunt Flo is making her appearance twice a month and bringing Uncle Cramp with her both times!!! UGH!!!! So the past week I have been accused of only thinking of myself. Maybe I do.....I wonder what would happen if I started thinking only of myslef. Lunches wouldn't be packed, clothes wouldn't be washed, babies wouldn't get fed, and care packages wouldn't get sent. I'm not trying to say I am all that and a bag of skittles, but come on a little credit. I do, however, think of myself when I go get my nails did and eyebrows waxed.....I don't want to look like Bert.

I find myself wondering why all of this is happening and what is to come of everything. I know God has a reason for everything, but come on a little slack wouldn't kill ya! Even though it may not be apparent to most people, my husband included, I am doing the best that I can! I know those same people think I am too weak to make it through this, BUT the people that know me know different. Someone tells me I can't do something and I make sure I accomplish it if for nothing else than to piss them off......that's the bitch coming out in me. Its been 2 months since Blake left and I still find myself waking up reaching for him. Stupid me woke up the other day at 6 reaching for him and thought oh he is just gone to PT. I sat there a minute and said Lindsey you are loosing it!! Maybe I am. I take pride in my role as a wife and mother, and I find myself not being able to be a wife. Yes, I still have the title, but none of the responsibilities. I can't cook for him, make sure he has uniforms to wear, laugh at him and with him.......I miss him terribly and often times I wonder if he feels the same way.

I look down at the boys and watch them play and thank God for my healthy family. True most people don't consider Kale healthy, but compared to where he has been he is the picture of perfection to me. Elijah, bless his heart, is still a runt. He is starting to get some thighs on him and a little belly, but I wonder what the next step will be if he isn't gaining weight. Not to worry, I am gaining enough for both of us! Kale is doing well in school so far and he seems to like it.

I don't know what the rest of the deployment has in store for us. All I can do is hope for the best and keep truckin' along. So, at the end of the day I put my faith in God knowing that he will lead me down the right path. I keep telling myself I am where God wants me to be. I try to see the good in every bad day, wondering what I can learn from that day. When I find myself lost and not knowing where I fit in, I look at my boys and it all makes since. I have to keep pushing along, not for me, but for them. Me sitting here crying itsn't helping anyone, most of all them. So, I pick myself up, dust myself on, put a smile on my face, and take on the world head on. So everyone and I meane EVERYONE know that I really am doing my best, the best I know how. Maybe one day someone will see that. Until then......................................................................143