Catch Up!

Well since it has been 20 forevers since I wrote a blog I thought I would make an appearance. Nothing has been going on around here. Last week was hell on wheels and this week is shaping up to be the same way. I am going stir crazy in hickville, but what can ya do. Blake is doing ok and hopefully will be home for R&R in a couple months. We desperately need the R&R to get here. Seems we will have a couple good days and the a bad two weeks and then repeat the process all over again. I am about to the end of my rope-I don't know what to do. Every time I try venting I hear well cut him some slack he is stressed out. Yes, he is and I understand that, but in my own defense I am a little on the stressed side. Its starting to seriously mess with my mind, body, and soul. The stupid bitch Aunt Flo is making her appearance twice a month and bringing Uncle Cramp with her both times!!! UGH!!!! So the past week I have been accused of only thinking of myself. Maybe I do.....I wonder what would happen if I started thinking only of myslef. Lunches wouldn't be packed, clothes wouldn't be washed, babies wouldn't get fed, and care packages wouldn't get sent. I'm not trying to say I am all that and a bag of skittles, but come on a little credit. I do, however, think of myself when I go get my nails did and eyebrows waxed.....I don't want to look like Bert.

I find myself wondering why all of this is happening and what is to come of everything. I know God has a reason for everything, but come on a little slack wouldn't kill ya! Even though it may not be apparent to most people, my husband included, I am doing the best that I can! I know those same people think I am too weak to make it through this, BUT the people that know me know different. Someone tells me I can't do something and I make sure I accomplish it if for nothing else than to piss them off......that's the bitch coming out in me. Its been 2 months since Blake left and I still find myself waking up reaching for him. Stupid me woke up the other day at 6 reaching for him and thought oh he is just gone to PT. I sat there a minute and said Lindsey you are loosing it!! Maybe I am. I take pride in my role as a wife and mother, and I find myself not being able to be a wife. Yes, I still have the title, but none of the responsibilities. I can't cook for him, make sure he has uniforms to wear, laugh at him and with him.......I miss him terribly and often times I wonder if he feels the same way.

I look down at the boys and watch them play and thank God for my healthy family. True most people don't consider Kale healthy, but compared to where he has been he is the picture of perfection to me. Elijah, bless his heart, is still a runt. He is starting to get some thighs on him and a little belly, but I wonder what the next step will be if he isn't gaining weight. Not to worry, I am gaining enough for both of us! Kale is doing well in school so far and he seems to like it.

I don't know what the rest of the deployment has in store for us. All I can do is hope for the best and keep truckin' along. So, at the end of the day I put my faith in God knowing that he will lead me down the right path. I keep telling myself I am where God wants me to be. I try to see the good in every bad day, wondering what I can learn from that day. When I find myself lost and not knowing where I fit in, I look at my boys and it all makes since. I have to keep pushing along, not for me, but for them. Me sitting here crying itsn't helping anyone, most of all them. So, I pick myself up, dust myself on, put a smile on my face, and take on the world head on. So everyone and I meane EVERYONE know that I really am doing my best, the best I know how. Maybe one day someone will see that. Until then......................................................................143