In a Daze........

Well well well.....what can I say. Yesterday(July 1st) sucked big time!! Blake left for Iraq and I just stood there frozen, in a daze. The morning began early as we had to be on post for 0550 formation. After that they ate breakfast. As we are standing in line Blake realizes he doesn't have an IR flag. Infra red flag patch that glows under night vision glasses. So he looks at me and I know that I am about to go search the town for an IR Flag. He asked Nik if he had one and he didn't, so off Heather and I go.......the places that had them were either sold out or didn't open until 10 which didn't help us because they were leaving at 10. So we get back in time to talk to the guys for a bit until they had to go draw their weapons. After that time flew....before I knew it they were lined up for another formation and then prayer....them the last second goodbyes...then another formation. As their name was called they had to board the bus, no kiss, no hug, no nothing............This was probably the single most emotional moment of the day.......I can't explain it. It was like I wanted to scream no don't go, but what good would that have done. I stood there clinging to Elijah and when Nik and Blake got their names called Heather and I just clung to one another................Poor Elijah's head was wet from my tears. He doesn't understand. And the worst thing is Blake won't be here to see him take his first steps, say his first word, he will miss all of the first things. So after the goodbyes it was time for Elijah and I to make the trip back to Arkansas.......
Elijah was so good for the trip i only had to stop twice to feed him. When we got to mom and dad's I saw Kale. I missed him so very much. He got up out of his recliner and gave me the biggest, longest hug I think he has ever given me.......its like he was saying mommy everything will be ok. So I have been walking around in a daze with my phone glued to me, waiting for the first call from Blake........I don't know when that will be, but I hope it is soon.....I need to hear his voice and know he is ok. I think I got a big 2 hours of sleep last night and I can't eat, if I do it just comes right back up. The night time is the worst. Elijah was screaming out of control and I knew he wanted daddy, but I was all he had and he eventually calmed down. I just want this time to go by smoothly and fast. I want all of the guys home and safe............I really am disappointed in myself. I thought I was better prepared for this. I know I have to start getting out of my daze, my boys need me, but I just don't know what to do.....it will come to me and I will get through this. I know I can. I have to. And when Blake comes home I will be waiting for him. So, Blake, if you are reading this please stay safe and know that I love you. I am so proud of you and proud to be your wife..........143